Wanted: Nemesis or Archnemesis
Address North Bay, ON

I currently have an opening for either a nemesis or archnemesis. The job doesn’t require much. Just that we frequently have mexican stand-off type scenarios when we spot each other in public. Other duties might include shaking your fist and staring when you pass me in a vehicle, inviting me for a drink after poisoning your drink then attempting to switch drinks with me, shouting my last name into the sky while clenching your fists, as well as hatching evil ploys that will continuously be foiled by yours truly.
Compensation will be based on commission only. If you really want to succeed, you’re going to need your own evil crime lab.

I was surprised not only by the amount of views the ad received but also the hilarious responses I started to get in my email. I guess the people who are frequenting local job boards tend to have the time to come up with pretty elaborate and well thought out jokes. I decided to collect some of the best responses and share them here.

From: ********@yahoo.ca
I may not have my own evil crime lab, but that doesn’t mean I can’t shake my fist like the pros!!!

:shakefist:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Fear me!

Editors’ Note: See Attached Photo

From: zulu***********@gmail.com
Sign me up. Burning dogshit on your doorstep is just the beginning. Will make an excellent nemesis.

From: twisted_rose****@hotmail.com
you dont even understand how this add makes me feel. being evil is what im all about. (along with cleching my fist at people) pleae dont tell me you have found someone already? I belive im the perfect person for the job. I also have an evil sideick.

From: *****islucky@gmail.com
I am so in. guess if i have to have an evil crime lab/lair of death i will have to locate it deep in the mountains… Or in this case airport hill…. Well here’s to rhe shaking of fists

I somehow get the impresion that this next email was passive aggressively directed at someone else.

From: *******_**@hotmail.com
I think my boyfriend would suit the profile perfectly. His evil crime lab is small but suiting. It has everything he would need. ie. mirror for practicing evil faces, tub and shower which hardly gets used, a sink for spitting in i guess, and a toilet.. well u know. I assume this is his evil lair already as he stays there most of the day.
Now I just want to know what the commission is based off of.

From: ******************@hotmail.com
Hello, I saw your job posting on Kijiji and am greatly interested. If there’s one thing I enjoy whilst wandering streets, it’s shaking my fist angrily at my nemesis.

I have a lot of experience in this field and feel I would be an asset to your life. I have references available if required.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Jessie

The following email which came as a set of 3 is by far one of my favourites.

From: stealth_******@msn.com
DUE TO KIJIJIS 1024 LIMIT I WILL HAVE TO SEND THIS IN 2 POSTS. PLEASE READ ON!

Well currently i am working on a plan to inject T virus into ferbreeze? I mean thats kinda evil… what with the zombies and what not. Do you have a immunity to iocane powder? I am one for the crafty switch of the glass its a classic. I do enjoy shaking my fist at heros and do godders… I do not have a lab but do hav a lair? this should suffice.
Evil qualities – 100% pure squeezed evil
I enjoy kicking small animals and taking candy from babies… their cries are like a nice classic tune that I like to dance to… this often leads me to stay in the same spot of stealing said candy and then getting pumbelled by the parent.

SECOND POST … of 3…. thats how evil I am.
but thats alright I am also workign on a superhuman augmentation to make me WIKKID STRONG!
might you ahve a weakness at all? I mean i must have something I can try but fail to exploit at every turn. I am willing to expand to have goons that you may defeat at the slightest lift of a finger then ahve bigger baddier bad guys that may require some effort to take care of. I do like the use of ultra violence as that should be the key to any nemisis.

3/3 LET THE EVIL CONTINUE!
would you have a girl in your life that I may be able to kidnap multiple times? or perhaps put you inthe situation where its the girl or others lives? This is another timeless classic i do enjoy. you might have noticed that my spellng and grammar are horrible but the reason for this is I AM FREAKIN EVIL! I NEED NOT TO SPELL RIGHTS!

References: Ablert Wesker – Umbrella corp
Norman Osborne – Osborne inc
Cletus Kasady Occupation: Convict
Voltor – Leauge of super Evil

Thanks! I look forward to destorying you!

From: maggie*****@gmail.com
Hello!

Just noticed your job ad and I feel that my skills have prepared me for this position. My abilities include but are not limited to: Creepy grins, evil laughter, being thwarted at the last moment, and spending superfluous amounts of time explaining my evil plans to protagonists. I am currently in the process of designing an evil costume, and my smart serve certification is in the mail. If the position is still open, please contact me and we can set up an interview.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,
Dark Silhouette

From: bobsuruncle**@gmail.com
We at the Evil League of Virtual Evil would like to apply for your open position as Nemesis. While we have not yet established a physical location in your city, we believe that we are able to provide for your nemesis needs virtually.
Before, I go into our proposal I would like to tell you a little about our organization. The Evil League of Virtual Evil is a department of the Virtual Office operated in conjunction with our R&D Dept, Greenish-Black Ops, and our Corporate Underwear Model (also the VP of Shrubbery). The Company exists across the global; running a network of synergistic operations.
Our activities would include, adding you as a friend on Facebook. Our activities would include inviting you to at least one Facebook application a day. Further we would use your email addresses for our subscriptions to Carpentry Monthly and How to Knit Like Your Grandmother. However, as an ethical company you would not receive any pornographic content (including National Geographic and PETA).
Thanks for your time.

From: ****_the_dog@yahoo.ca
Finally, a job that really requires skill, cunning, and spontaneity… Do I need my own costume because I have a sewing machine and a hot glue gun… I could whip something up… I recently took a GATB test and I scored within the top 10% across the board… so that means I am a Super Genius… capable of really nasty, elaborate schemes… wHA HA HA HA (evil laugh)
Thanks for the original post, at least someone out there has a sense of reality. I’ll pass it on to some people I know who would actually go for it… “I’m too old for this sort of thing” (Ben Kenobi)
Take it easy…

From: ill.get.you.next.time@gmail.com
Hi, I would like to inquire about the position of nemesis, if it is still available. Although I have no formal experience as a nemesis, I have had a few rivalries, in addition, I devised as many as four elaborate plans in the past year which ended in failure, I am quite interested in finding a career which allows me to combine these skills.
With regard to the dynamic of the relationship; Will this be a long standing animosity or all out vengeance? If passing you, is it also acceptable to draw my thumb across my throat in such a manner as to indicate my vengeful intentions?
Will I be reimbursed for crime lab expenses? My lab is well stocked with large print-out type computers, walls equipped with the latest dials and levers, and a number of machines that go “zap”. However I would expect to require a healthy supply of chalk for my equations and paper for diagrams and blueprints.

Hope to see you as the bane of my existence soon,
Steve

Unfortunately Steve, you didn’t tell us how many of your elaborate plans remain unfoiled. You could be responsible for any number of recent disasters. The attacks of September 11th… Katrina… Justin Bieber?!? Do you see what I am getting at here? I need a nemesis who will make me look good and you may be just a little too crafty for me to match up against.

And finally, in a very nemesis-like fashion, the following respondant tried to dupe me into getting captured right from the get-go. You almost had me, Blue Sky. You almost had me.

From: blue_sky_***@hotmail.com
DONT WORRY, JUST GO TO THE TOP OF THE HILL! THERE IS HELP THERE!!! GO QUICKLY!!!!

Note:At the time the ad was live on Kijiji, North Bay’s Mental Health Hospital was at the top of the hill.

FEATURING
Faraway Neighbours
White Coals
Salty Radio
Small Town Rivals
Bang Bang You’re Dead
The Local Pharmacist & HIs Wife
DSF
Middlemen
Chainz
EazyOnTheEyeZ
Christian Cartwright
Ben Hermann
Screaming For Sunday
Holly Cunningham
Cody Allen
Katie Glover
Tundra
ABSTRACTIONS
A Little Bit Naked
Cory Marquardt
DJ SKILLZ

*Update:
Unfortunately DJ D.A.F. is out of town the evening of the Beach Party
DJ Neon Nomad will now be taking his place

ARCHSPIRE – TRENDKILL RECORDS

http://www.myspace.com/archspire
http://www.facebook.com/Archspireband?sk=info

BURIED OUT BACK

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_199265246756694

FACE THE HATE
http://www.facebook.com/pages/FaceTheHate/126356167407964?ref=ts&sk=wall

EMPYREAN PLAGUE
Archaic North Records

http://www.reverbnation.com/empyreanplague
http://www.youtube.com/empyreanplague

$7.Cash

Doors 7.30pm
Start 8.00pm

WET/ DRY – ALL AGES

Be sure to check out Nuclear Holocaust Radio — http://www.nhradio.ca/
Brought to you by THEKILLINGFIELD.

A new breed of technical death metal has been born. Pushing boundaries of speed, technique, and limits set only by their predecessors, ARCHSPIRE takes the stage and destroys all expectations.

Focussing on a fast, energetic, and musically technical live show, ARCHSPIRE boasts extended range guitars, and fretless bass. Complete with supersonic shotgun vocals, and velocious gravity blasting, ARCHSPIRE will continue to perform their unique brand of technical death metal across Canada, quickly moving onto the U.S. and beyond.

ARCHSPIRE recorded their full length “All Shall Align” in months of 2010-11 at The Hive studios. Working with seasoned producer Stuart McKillop, the result is a fast, complex, and intricate example of what ARCHSPIRE has to offer. Disjointed melodies and speeds that rival the band’s influences, this taste of what ARCHSPIRE is able to accomplish has already started a buzz in the global metal community.

ARCHSPIRE’S inertia will only grow exponentially until they have overwhelmed metal fans the world over, the imminent subjucation will soon prove that inactivity is not in ARCHSPIRE’S vocabulary.

For fans of: Brain Drill, Origin, Spawn of Possession, Obscura, and Immolation.

THE KILLING FIELD
www.myspace.com/thekillingfield
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Thekillingfield/120307844671504
http://www.reverbnation.com/thekillingfield

THE ISOSCELES PROJECT
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www.Theisoscelesproject.bandcamp.com
www.Youtube.com/ladyisosceles
www.reverbnation.com/theisoscelesproject
www.twitter.com/Lady_Isoseles

LIKE ANIMALS
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LES COMPAGNON
327 DUDLEY
DOORs @ 8:00PM
$5
19+

MORE ISOSCELES PROJECT TOUR DATES
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=117251855018507

The festival will celebrate local and national talent with an opportunity to meet filmmakers, participate in an information session with the Ontario Arts Council, attend after parties and see some inspiring films!

To order your weekend pass or tickets by credit card contact a Captiol Centre box office representative at 705 474 4747 or toll free 1 888 834 4747  1 888 834 4747  or purchase in person at the Capitol Centre Theatre Box Office at 150 Main St. East.

$10 discount on Weekend Passes for North Bay Film Club member OR Students with valid ID!

Where will curiosity lead you?
www.docnorthfestival.ca

ART!

LIVE MUSIC!

GREAT FOOD!

END OF THE YEAR EVENT!

This coming Saturday, the Nipissing University Women’s Centre is hosting a juried art show at F.A.R.M (fashion art retail market located on main west, in the downtown core) that aims to reteach gender and sexuality through images that attempt to deconstruct gender constructions and celebrate marginalized identities.

In additon to the art exhibit, there will be a live musical performance by Hidden Roots, with Brigitte and Serra Jade from 8-9 pm (these two ladies are awesome and very talented – not to be missed!)

Last but not least, your hungry bellies can devour delicious vegan desserts from VEG OUT cafe while letting the imaginations of others capture you into their worlds and interpretations of what it means to reteach gender and sexuality.

EVENT IS FREE AND OPEN TO ALL!

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=138266949577537

Featuring

Dallas Good – guitar, keyboards, vocals
Travis Good – guitar, vocals, fiddle
Mike Belitsky – drums
Sean Dean – upright bass

If you have never heard who The Sadies are, here is a brief lowdown on the band….. Pretty Impresive for sure….. These guys reciently backed up Neil Young!

Background

The band consists of Dallas Good (also of Phono-Comb), Travis Good, Sean Dean and Mike Belitsky. Dallas and Travis Good are the sons of Bruce Good, and nephews of Brian and Larry Good, who are members of the Canadian country group The Good Brothers.

In addition to their own recordings, the Sadies often collaborate with other country-rock artists, such as Blue Rodeo, Jon Langford, The Tragically Hip, The Deep Dark Woods, Andre Williams (on the 1999 country-influenced Red Dirt), and are the preferred live backing band of singer Neko Case. The Sadies are also featured in Adult Swim’s 12 oz. Mouse. , The Sadies released Darker Circles CD/LP through Outside Music and Yep Roc Records. Darker Circles was a shortlisted nominee for the 2010 Polaris Music Prize]

The members of the Sadies have also participated with Greg Keelor and Rick White in the supergroup The Unintended

The Sadies just finished a recording for Garth Hudson (The Band),`A Canadian Celebration of The Band`. the album features 18-tracks by a wide variety of Canadian artists from Neil Young, Blue Rodeo and the Sadies to Mary Margaret O’Hara, Bruce Cockburn and Chantal Kreviazuk, covering some of the Band’s well known and lesser known tracks. Garth performs on each track. The album features Neil Young with The Sadies on “This Wheel’s on Fire”.

Darker Circlesis the follow-up to The Sadies’ acclaimed last album Country Club (feat. John Doe) and sees guitarist brothers Dallas and Travis Good, drummer Mike Belitsky and bassist Sean Dean again pair with legendary Jayhawk and sought-after producer Gary Louris. Furthering the focused songwriting and recording aspirations reached on New Seasons, The Sadies bring their signature blend of country, psychedelic, rock and surf into rifle-scope focus on Darker Circles, further underscoring their reputations as musicians’ musicians. Always at the top of the list when discussing musical chops and live intensity, The Sadies are now more intent than ever on making their mark as songwriters. In one turn as heavy as a sledge, and on the other flitting across melodies with the ease of so many sparrows, The Sadies prove once again that denying them now is simply prolonging your conversion. So go on, pull up that screeching wooden chair that bows with your weight. Slide it up next to the turntable and drop the needle, The Sadies are a sure thing….tomorrow isn’t.

Tickets are available at…
Tonestack Guitar Shop
The Voyager
Music City
Solvent Magazine